WE received a surprise this week when amidst our usal post, we received a number of letters addressed to Santa.

Being nosy, we opened them.

The Data Protection Act, Health & Safety legislation, the EU or some other body which we really don’t understand but now keeps lots of people in suits and company cars prevents us from disclosing who wrote them but here are a few:

Dear Santa, as a fellow resident of Frinton, I am writing to ask if please, please, please for Christmas this year could we have more equipment for our PCSOs. We got them special night vision equipment so they could play in the dark and for Christmas, I would like them to have some more cool kit to fight their mortal enemy – ie anyone under 40. Please could I have a Tiger tank? I have been good all year, etc.....

Dear Father Christmas, some of my pals say you don’t exist but I know they are talking complete rubbish, just like they do in all those meetings we have in the big town hall that I don’t really understand, but they do provide nice biscuits. I like rich tea best, they are yummy. I am allowed to eat three otherwise mummy says it spoils my dinner. Sometimes I put one on my pocket and have it late at night in bed under the covers with my torch when I am secretly reading council standing orders. Please this year could you make me important enough Thank-you Santa. And please make sure Rudolph does not stop on any double yellow lines otherwise he will get a ticket.

Dear Santa, Please, please, please, please, please, please, please could you make that flaming fountain work. That’s all I ask. We spent a fortune on it and the damned thing does not work. Please Santa, I beg you, this is getting embarrassing. Xxx

Dear Santa, It has come to our attention that you have entered the UK with complete disregard to our border controls, are carrying a number of imported items upon which duty has not been paid, and furthermore, have brought in livestock, namely reindeer, without the proper animal passports or quarantine. We request you arrest yourself and present yourself to the courts as we are too busy filling in paperwork and attending courses on the human rights of terrorists to actually come and arrest you.Yours etc