A REPORT this week suggested that history, culture and heritage were the way forward for coastal towns.

Our immediate thought was “we are sunk then.”

While, of course, this area has a rich and fascinating history, we can’t exactly compete with Hadrian’s Wall or London.

What we need is a specific reason to pull in tourists. Stratford gets millions of tourists from its Shakespeare connection; millions of Japanese people visit the Lake District because of Beatrix Potter; Nottingham gets hordes of visitors because of Robin Hood – and he is completely made up.

We need our own mythical hero... and we shall call him Tenbo (easy to remember and spell).

In days of yore (whenever this was) when hordes of heathens from far-off lands invaded our tranquil villages and forests (where t’was once said Bambi and the Chipmunks lived for cross-marketing purposes), the villagers despaired.

“We need a hero”, they cried (ready-made Bonnie Tyler theme tune to visitor centres etc.) – and suddenly, the skies darkened with clouds for the first time in months over the Sunshine Coast (good weather link to pull in more punters) and the sea began to churn.

As the people dropped to their knees, 77 dolphins simultaneously leapt from the sea (everyone loves dolphins – think of the snow globe selling opportunities) and suddenly Tenbo appeared.

Nine foot tall, with muscles like water melons and carrying a combined three-foot-long sword axe bow war hammer (patent pending, “the gift every little hero wants this Christmas”), Tenbo soon brought peace to this sun-kissed land.

After banishing the cruel money-grabbing Fuedal Lord – Sir Council of Tax – he then smote the invading hordes and even fought off the magical Celtic dragons and their leprechaun masters (just think of the marketing opportunities of this lot! ) by bringing alive dinosaurs from the fossils of the Walton cliffs (new visitor centre opens 2010).

Having taken a shapely wife (helps with Action man and Barbie-type doll sales, as well as film rights and comic sales to adolescent boys) he then built gates at Frintonnia to protect the town, two piers to talk to his Dolphin Friends (water ride opportunities surely?) and then, when his work was done, vowed to return again when he was most needed and walked back into the waves at Jaywick (it needs the visitors).

It is said, if, late at night, you listen carefully above the sound of boy racers, car alarms, yobbish shouting and usual social disorder you can hear the waves whisper “do not fear, I will come again.”