REMEMBER the old days when unshaven detectives tore around in Ford Cortinas before leaping out, guns drawn, shouting at villains "get dawn you slaaaag, you're nicked!"?

Or there was the stern bobby on the beat, resplendent in his traditional hat, ready to dole out a quick heavy-handed cuff round the ear to any child who stepped on a crack on the pavement without permission, or even looked like he might once have been cheeky to someone, somewhere.

Nowadays, at least modern police officers get to dress like paramilitaries and carry more equipment than Judge Dredd.

However, spare a thought for the modern police community support officer (PCSO) who, we learned this week, cannot even ride a bike until they have passed their cycling proficiency test.

It is not the PCSOs' fault but, as usual, the Health and Safety Stormtroopers are to blame.

Still, how demeaning.

The promise of "tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime" hardly coincides with the image of a PCSO waiting at a bus stop so he can respond to an incident.

Will they take their tests with young schoolchildren who are trying to get off their stabilizers?

We can picture it now. "Little Jimmy, you have to brake and stop before the white line, PCSO number 52639, if you knock one more cone down I am afraid you will have to get the bus next time you are needed in the trenches in the battle against crime."

Of course there is a tragic side to this, in that the rule was introduced following an accident in Manchester where an officer had not had bike training, which should be made available.

However, the fact is that if the police service was as successful as the health and safety stormtroopers in imposing rules and order, there would be no crime.

Heaven forbid a PCSO should stumble over a kerb and suffer an injury, or they will all presumably get "walking in boots" lessons.